We’re so excited to introduce another guest post! It’s written by our good friend, Cindy, who currently lives apart from her husband similarly to us. Charley and Dennis work for the same company, which has assignments all over the world. The biggest difference in their situation is that Cindy and Charley have a blended family. Keep reading as she describes how they cope with living in a long distance family (LDF) while raising their children from previous marriages.
Meet Cindy and Charley
I’m Cindy Colby. My husband Charley and I recently celebrated our sixth wedding anniversary. Our family is unlike Dennis and Tracy in that we are a blended family. We’ve both been married before, and have children from those marriages. I have two boys who are currently 16 and 20 and Charley’s boys are 12 and 15. That’s right, FOUR boys. We even have two male dogs. It is all testosterone all the time at my house.
Having a blended family was one of the most difficult things either of us has ever done. It took a lot of time, patience, and therapy for us to make it work well, and sometimes we still struggle. My oldest lives with us full-time while he attends a local university. My youngest is with me every other week. Charley’s boys live out of state with their mom, so we only have them over school breaks and holidays.
Why We are an LDF
As though having a blended family wasn’t hard enough, in 2017, Charley had an opportunity that required him to work in Waynesboro, GA. This came just as Jake (my 16 year old) was starting high school. Since I share custody with his dad, I could not move with Charley without leaving Jake behind or taking him away from his dad. Neither of these were viable options, so we made the difficult decision that Charley would go and I would stay in Colorado.
Charley decided to buy a fifth-wheel trailer to live in while he was in Georgia. Before you feel bad for him, he basically had the Taj Mahal of campers, complete with granite counter tops, a fireplace, and a king size bed. He was far from “roughing it” in his camper. So in October of 2017, he packed up and drove his new home-away-from-home across the country.
Living apart was a difficult transition. We are one of those annoying couples who are basically always together. If I went out dancing with my girlfriends, Charley came along. When he met his friends for a beer, I was there too. We rarely did anything without the other besides work, so the first few months were very difficult.
After a year of living apart, Charley worked from home for about 9 months. It was great to be together all the time, but once again an opportunity presented itself that we could not turn down. Charley was offered a position at a camp job in northern Manitoba Canada. This would require him to work 21 days straight and then be off for 10 days. Since the location of this project is so remote, he lives at a camp at the site and comes home on his 10 days off.
Now that I've told you a little bit about us and how we became a long distance family, I'm going to discuss how we make the distance work and how we reconnect when we are together.
Communication
I know this is what everyone says, but communication is the only way we make it through the 21 days we are apart. We have always told each other pretty much everything so it is easy for us to keep each other informed on what we are up to. We text frequently throughout the day and talk/FaceTime every evening. The most important thing I have found is to be open and honest about how you are feeling.
For example, Charley likes to FaceTime for long periods of time and can watch TV while he is on FaceTime with me. I can’t do that, I want to sit and watch my shows without interruption. This is how I unwind after a long day at work and I need some time where I don’t have to think about anything other than who is getting a rose and who is not. At first this was tough because he did not understand why I wanted to get off FaceTime instead of spending the entire evening on the phone with him.
One evening, I explained to him how I felt and what I needed. Now we talk on my way home from work and when I get home for a bit, and then we each relax and do what we need to. Then, we always talk before he goes to bed. The key was that I had to be clear with him about how I was feeling so that we could come up with something that gave us both what we needed.
Visits with Each Other
As much as I look forward to seeing Charley again on his days off, it can be challenging when he comes home for a short time. I get into a routine while he is gone and it interrupts my routine when he is home. Also, he comes home and someone (I always blame the kids) has touched his stuff or moved something or broken something and he is annoyed that everything is not the way he left it. I think over time as an LDF, we have come up with some ways to get through these difficulties so we can enjoy the little time we have together.
On his next trip home, we are planning a road trip to take a car to his 15 year old son. I despise road trips. I get bored after like 12.5 minutes and will eat my weight in Blow Pops and Reese’s Cups, but it needs to be done so I am going. Let’s face it, not everything that one of us wants or needs to do will be something the other enjoys, but sometimes you have to suck it up and put the other person first.
The weekend before he left, we went to see Bobby Bones in Denver. Bobby Bones is a morning radio host and I listen to his entire show on podcast every day. I think he is hysterical and I was beyond thrilled to go see him perform with his comedy band. Charley, on the other hand, was less than thrilled. He is not nearly as entertained by Bobby Bones as I am, but he went with me, and humored me the entire evening. Doing something that the other person enjoys makes them feel special and important and any way you can do that helps strengthen your relationship.
Time Alone
Since we are a blended family and we don’t have any kids of “ours”, it is important for us to find some time that can be for just him and I when he is home. It is tough for him to always share my attention with my boys and the same for me to always share him with his boys. It is so important to spend time with them and do things as a family, but at the end of the day, our relationship is the most important one in the house because if we are not good the whole family can feel it.
Last time he was home, we took the camper and went to shoot in a sporting clays tournament together for a weekend. I started shooting a shotgun about six months ago thinking I would shoot once in a while, mostly to appease him. Well, it turns out, I love shooting. I shoot when Charley is in Canada and am even taking some lessons to improve my skills. The weekend trip we took alone gave us a chance to reconnect without distractions of children and cleaning and all the things. Find something you both enjoy and make time during visits to do those that. It will help you bond over common interests and will create memories you can hold on to when you are apart.
Chores
This is an area where I need work. Before Charley’s last visit home, I made sure my boys and I cleaned the house and had everything looking nice. I wanted him to come home and feel like it was clean and comfortable and a place he was happy to come home to. Unfortunately, that still left the yard work, reloading shotgun shells, car upkeep and several other chores that needed to be done.
Ten days at home seems like a long time, but days one and ten are travel days so that leaves only eight days to do all the things that need to be done and to have quality time together. I am working on getting more of the routine tasks done before he comes home so that we can have more time to enjoy each other and less time to do chores. I can’t possibly do everything he would normally do if he lived at home, but the more I can do, the less stress we will have when he is here.
Don't Forget Important Dates
Being away from each other is no excuse to forget a birthday or anniversary. When he is working 21 days in a row, or I am trying to keep up with my job and kids and the house, it can be so easy to overlook an important day in our lives. Especially while we are not together. But don’t.
As I said at the beginning of this, we recently celebrated our sixth anniversary. Charley came home a few days after, but on the day of our anniversary, he sent me flowers to my work. It made me feel special that he took time out of his day to remember and to send me something. I know not everyone likes flowers, but to me it’s about knowing that he was thinking about me. Even if it is just a call, remembering and celebrating important dates in your lives will help keep you connected.
Thank you, Cindy!
Thank you for taking the time to share your story and wisdom with us. When I first read the post, I found myself nodding my head the entire time. There’s so much to relate to! The best part was how Charley wants to stay on the phone while watching TV. Dennis does this with Facebook: He wants to stay on the phone while reading MY Facebook newsfeed to me. He doesn’t even have his own Facebook account! Although, I’m not as diplomatic as Cindy when I tell him I’m not staying on the phone for that!
Cindy, you have some amazing advice that I plan to tap into for future posts! It will also provide a good excuse to get together for a drink and to discuss our favorite reality shows. #selfcare
Love Charley and Cindy’s post.Good Looking pictures having a Camper is a Great idea.Tracy Lacey’s Mom.