Why Would a Family Choose to Live Apart?
If you came here searching for something related to nuclear energy and are wondering why the heck we’re discussing our family life, we’re using an outdated term for family dynamics. The term “Nuclear Family” became popular around the 1950s and conjures images of a husband, wife, and their children living under the same roof. Like Leave it to Beaver!
We may seem like the perfect example for the classic nuclear family: We’ve been married 20 years. We have two kids and a dog, and a house in the suburbs. The only difference is, we just happen live under different roofs*, which are in different states. Living apart has become so much a part of our family dynamic, this is actually our fifth time living apart in seven years. And somehow we’ve made it work! (*Due to Covid-19, we are under the same roof again until further notice!)
My husband’s current work assignment had him working and living in the Washington DC area, while the kids and I lived in our home in Colorado. I’ve seen an abbreviation for long-distance relationships (LDR), but we like to consider ours LDF for long-distance family, since it affects the kids as well as my husband and me.
I could write a book (or, at least a few more blog posts) about how we became an LDF, as well as the experiences from each situation. But here’s the shorter version of the current circumstances:
A few years ago, a position at Dennis’s company brought us to Colorado, and we fell in love with it. Not only did we absolutely adore the beautiful landscape and (mostly) pleasant climate, we found amazing schools and sports, and decided that this was home. For now, at least.
We always knew we may have to move again, but once we fell in love with Colorado, we wondered: What places could tempt us into leaving? We listed places like the Pacific Coast, Canada, or Europe. Nothing tropical, because we weren’t fond of heat or humidity. We’d already lived in the Midwest, so it would have to be something different from that.
After three years of living under the same roof in our Colorado home (aside from a six month assignment in Houston), an opportunity fell into Dennis’s lap that could not be ignored. He’d just finished school with a bachelor’s degree in Data Analytics (we’re talking exciting stuff here, folks!) and almost immediately after, he got in on the ground floor of a new department at his company where he could analyze data to his heart’s content. And get paid for it! He was stoked about the opportunity.
The only problem? The job required him to work in DC. Remember that list of places I mentioned that might tempt us into leaving Colorado? As much as we love to visit it, DC was not on that list.
For his new position, the company offered to relocate the family, or just him, but wouldn’t pay for him to commute. After much deliberation and discussion with the kids, we decided that he would relocate, while kids and I would stay in Colorado.
Since we’ve successfully lived apart four times before, we knew we could make it work. Of course we’d rather all be under the same roof, and to not have Dennis miss out on any of the boys’ childhood years. But, at the same time, he is the breadwinner and it’s important for him to be happy and fulfilled at how he’s winning the bread.
We already knew we’d have to make the most of our time together by staying in constant communication, video call when we need to, and planning things to look forward to. We decided we would frequently do a health-check with each other as well as with the kids, to make sure it’s still working.
With the kids being teens and tightly woven into their academic, athletic, and social lives, everyone was on-board with this decision. The 15 year old already had his last three years of classes planned to support his ambitious and specific college goals. Both of them had been working closely with amazing coaches for their competitive taekwondo careers, and even I had joined the ladies competition team.
Since we would have to pay out of pocket for his trips home, we decided that monthly trips would be manageable. Since he began his new role in DC, the length of his trips home have ranged from a long weekend to a week or more. The kids and I visited him for ten days over fall break, and he was home for two weeks over Thanksgiving, and a week at Christmas.
Okay, so why the blog?
I mentioned that this is our fifth time living apart, and we’ve made it work and obviously keep doing it. As far as HOW we’re making it work, we’ve really just been winging it; sometimes going about things the absolute wrong way, but, for the most part, making the best of it. But there are definitely times that are more difficult than others- it’s not all rainbows and unicorns. Especially the first few days after a visit.
I started to wonder if we were missing some obvious ways to stay connected while passing the time in between seeing each other.
We have some friends, mostly Dennis’s co-workers, who live apart currently or have in the past. We’ve talked to them about surviving, but mostly just surface level conversations. For example, keeping yourself busy in between visits. And most of their kids have already flown the coop, so it’s easier (and cheaper) for the home-spouse to visit the out-of-town spouse.
I’ve realized that I can’t talk to any non-LDF friends about it because I’m always met with pity. The most common responses I get (and my subsequent replies) are:
Well-meaning friend: “Oh no, how long will this last?”
Me: Until he gets another job?
Friend: “You’re like a single mom!”
Me: Nope, not even close, I would never compare my situation to that of a single mother.
Friend: “It’s like he’s deployed!”
Me: No, it definitely isn’t. He’s just two time zones over safely working in an office building.
I mean, most people think we’re insane for living apart. I get it. It’s not for everyone. But then I have a couple of friends who are actually jealous of our living arrangement. They would love to be in this situation! Not that their marriages aren’t strong, but they have very different interests than their spouses and find strength in their individuality.
One day, I decided to search the internet for stories of other families living apart. I already knew we weren’t the only ones, and it seemed that our situation was becoming more and more common.
My internet search was disappointing.
I saw stories of military families, which I expected, but as a civilian, I felt like an outsider.
I read about online loves who lived in different parts of the country. Or the world! And I learned through them that, before they meet in person, they are called “nevermets.” I couldn’t relate to them either, since Dennis and I met in college.
I read about high school sweethearts who went off to different universities but were trying to make that work. While I’m glad that college students have an online community to lean on, we’re in our 40s and have been married almost 20 years. Those years are long gone.
The kicker was that I found more than one anonymous poster confiding to the online world of complete strangers about finding themselves wanting to be unfaithful to their long-distance partner. You can bet I read those, but it was out of curiosity, not relatability.
Eventually, I found a few seemingly reputable articles about how living apart is actually becoming more common, and with some helpful tips on making it work. The only problem was that the tips were mostly common sense, and the articles looked like cookie-cutter versions of each other.
Obviously I didn’t learn much from those. Honesty, communication and commitment are foundational for any successful relationship. Planning visits does help pass the time, but it just seems so obvious!
That’s when we decided we should just share our own stories. Hopefully by doing so, it will force us to try new ways to connect.
We LDFs (my abbreviation for long distance families) are in a class of our own, and regular long distance relationship (LDR) advice didn’t always apply to us. But maybe our advice could apply to them! And possibly even those who spend shorter lengths of time apart due to travel for work.
If you are considering a long distance relationship or family, or are already living apart, peruse our blog posts, starting with Show Me The Bluegrass. Then contact us! Tell us what’s working, what isn’t, what questions you have, or topics you’d like to see covered. Use the handy Contact Us form and we’ll get back to you soon.