Tips for a Long Distance Family
I mentioned that the main reason we started this blog was after a failed attempt at looking for LDF (long distance family) stories and tips that we were able to relate to: Advice we could add to our “Tips We’ve Mastered” list. There was plenty of info about couples who were in new relationships, for example, couples that met online and lived in different parts of the world. But not a lot about families living apart; or at least, those you have mastered successfully living apart. I say successfully, because I found more than a few spouses looking for side pieces. Not exactly what I was looking for.
The other thing that bugged me was that most of the living apart tips to master were common sense: Communicate frequently and openly, make sure you trust and are committed to each other, plan events so that you have something to look forward to as a family. Really? You don’t say! Come on, those are fundamental to any successful relationship, whether you’re living apart or under the same roof.
That’s when my husband, Dennis, and I decided we’d tell our story. We felt like we can share advice and tips we’ve mastered and, in the meantime, explore improvement opportunities to keep our family connected while apart.
However, while obvious and boring, I still want to touch on some of these basics. Because when I was forced to really think about them, obvious and boring didn’t necessarily mean that we were good at it.
1. Trust and Commitment
Without being too sappy, I will say that having trust and being committed is definitely one of the tips we’ve mastered. Sure, we’ve have had our ups and downs in the 20 years we’ve been together, but lack of trust was never an issue. We dated for seven years before we got married, if there was a hint of untrustworthiness from either of us, we had plenty of time to bail.
Plus, our goal right now is to help mold two teenage boys into happy, productive adults while keeping our sanity somewhat intact. We’ve gotta be pretty committed to do that. So no matter where we are geographically, our commitment to our family is unshakable.
But folks, if you don’t 100% trust your significant other, you should reconsider a long distance relationship. Why?
You’ll be communicating via phone calls and online, and when you’re not face-to-face, you can interpret things incorrectly. Do you want to be constantly asking yourself, “Why hasn’t he texted me back? Why didn’t she return my call? Why does he sound so distant? What does she mean by that text?”
My guess is that, no, I don’t think you do. I have anxiety. I know what kind of scenarios my mind creates when I am in a less-than-secure mood.
You must decide if this is something that you can live with, without creating unnecessary stress for yourself or your significant other. Be confident in this relationship! And if you aren’t secure enough, yet you believe it’s worth it, fake it ’til you make it!
2. Plan Events to Look Forward To
One of the other tips we’ve mastered for successfully living apart? Planning events to look forward to also comes easily for us. I’ve mentioned that we shoot for seeing each other once a month, because that’s what we’ve become accustomed to when the company would send Dennis on long term assignments, and would fly him home each month. Now, we pay for his trips home. So, in order to save money, we get creative!
Since he has gone from construction to a desk job, he sometimes has the ability to work remotely. There have been times that he’s been able to work from our home in Colorado for a week or so at a time, extending his visit for that month.
When he travels to California for work trips, there have been times that he left on Thursday or Friday so that he could have an extended layover in Colorado, before having to be in California on Monday. We’ve also met him in California for a mini-vacation once, and another time that our 15 year old, Jack, flew out to meet him on his own.
The schools our kids attend have two week fall and spring breaks, so we’ve gone to stay with him and made a vacation out of it. He may work some in order to limit the number of vacation days he has to use, but the boys and I will either sightsee or just hang out at his apartment until he’s off work.
More recently, Jack has been traveling to compete in taekwondo sparring tournaments. These trips have provided a great, albeit expensive, way for us to support Jack while also having a mini-vacation. So far this year, we’ve traveled to Albuquerque, Puerto Rico, and the Dominican Republic, and later this year, he’ll compete in Fort Lauderdale.
Meeting in Puerto Rico
We realize we are very fortunate to have the resources to fly back and forth for visits, or to meet in various locations. Yes, it gets very expensive. But it’s money we would otherwise spend on vacations, which is why we try to turn some trips into mini-vacations. We’ve recently gotten into the hotel points and airline miles games, which is helping with the expense. There have also been times that we’ve driven to meet halfway, or one of us has driven all the way. When I say one of us, I mean Dennis. He can handle long drives way better than I can. Plus, his hybrid car is way less expensive on gas than my SUV.
So, thanks to Jack, we have plenty of special events to look forward to for at least the first half of this year.
3. Maximize Your Time Together
When thinking of tips we’ve mastered, mistakes come to mind. One of the biggest mistakes that we made very early on, was when we left St. Louis for our first move to Kentucky. Before putting it on the market, we had a bit of cosmetic work to do on the house. Dennis had already been working in Kentucky, and drove home each weekend. I still worked full time, which meant laundry and housekeeping were saved for the weekends. Plus we had the boys’ sports on the weekends. And then we were adding painting walls, replacing water damaged wood, and upgrading floors.
Needless to say, it was quite stressful. We were exhausted. And fought. And second, third and fourth guessed our decision to relocate. But we also learned a very valuable lesson:
Get the most out of that precious time you have together. Don’t fill it up with work that would be stressful even if you weren’t living apart. Especially if you only have a couple of days at a time! Don’t be afraid to ask your friends and family for help around the house. If you can afford to, pay someone. It will be worth it, trust me!
Now that we’ve lived apart more, I’ve learned to do more handiwork myself. Plus I have friends I can lean on, contractors I can hire, and a homeowner’s warranty I renew every year. We may be busy during his time home, but it’s for reasons we enjoy, such as outings or taekwondo.
Again, this is another recommendation that we have nailed. But how about one we haven’t nailed?
...And the One We Suck At: Communication
When we first became an LDF, we Skyped every night. It was less difficult when the boys were small, because we were home most nights. I wish I could say it was easier because they were more likely to sit and talk to their dad face-to-face, but that wasn’t exactly the case. They were busy little boys who couldn’t sit still, and they’ve never been big conversationalists. Now they are teens! They may have more to talk about now, but are less willing to share.
The boys and I are gone most weeknights. And they hate to talk on the phone. Quite frankly, so do I! Long gone are the days when I could spend hours sitting in the same spot talking on a phone attached to a curly cord. We don’t have a home phone, just our cellphones. I remember when video calling was some wild futuristic fantasy seen on the Jetsons or Star Trek. Something I wasn’t sure would ever be real, and even if it were, certainly not in my lifetime! Yet here it is, right in my hand almost 24/7 and I can’t be bothered to use it.
Why not? Because I’m doing Mom Things! I can’t be expected to hold and look into a phone while I’m busy with dinner, dishes, laundry, or driving! The same reasons I can’t be expected to sit at a computer and Skype! And on the weekends, when we do actually have time to video call, we’re lucky enough to wave the phone in the general direction of the boys for a quick “S’up.” And when it’s just Dennis and me, we’re both usually scrolling through Facebook and discussing what everyone else is up to.
Can you hear me now?
One improvement I made with regard to keeping in touch while still doing Mom Things was purchasing a set of bluetooth headphones. I’ve never liked ear buds because, no matter how many different brands I tried, they never stayed in my ears. So for Christmas, I bought myself a pair of over the ear, bluetooth headphones. Now I wear them while talking to Dennis, and I’m still able to empty the dishwasher and change the laundry. I love it! Dennis doesn’t love them as much though, because they pick up every little sound. So loading the dishwasher sounds like World War 3 on his end. But, whatever. Happy wife, happy life and all that.
having a captive audience
The longest conversations we have on the phone is during my and the boys commute home from school. Dennis has a captive audience (when we make them take out the earbuds, at least) with all three of us. Plus our carpooler. So it may be a longer conversation, but not very deep.
I will say that Dennis and I talk about four times a day. A quick call during his lunch and when he has a break between meetings. During our commute home from school. At least once more in the evening, and once before he goes to bed. But we could definitely improve on how much the boys talk to him throughout the day.
Dennis has a new roommate in DC, Chris. Chris is also an LDFer. His wife lives in Texas, and his three kids are in college. According to Dennis, Chris’s kids call him All. The. Time. This makes me very sad for Dennis. And it really makes me want to put more effort into having our boys talk to him on the phone. He says he doesn’t mind, and that Chris’s kids are young adults so it’s very different. But I know that it would make him very happy to get an unexpected call from his boys.
I’m probably the only texter of the family. We have a group text, which is usually just me sending hilarious memes. I also text Dennis throughout the day, whether it’s to ask him something, to share random thoughts or family updates, or, again, to send funny memes. It’s not exactly a two-way conversation, but it reminds him that I’m thinking of him.
Excruciating Minutiae
Now that you know how poorly we communicate, how about what we discuss when we do talk? Every day, we talk about the daily minutiae (how well we slept, how the morning went, any Facebook gossip we’ve seen), plus bigger ticket items (how school is going for the boys, any issues with the house or car, anything we need to plan). However, there have been a couple of times where I haven’t been completely transparent with him. I didn’t outright lie, unless you’re one of those truth purists who believe in “lying by omission.” I prefer to think of honestly as fluid; little white lies to safeguard someone’s feelings. Secretly planning a fun surprise. Or, protecting your husband from unnecessarily worrying when he is 1600 miles away. I’ll give you an example.
The Lie Detector Test has determined...
In 2017, even though we stayed in Colorado, Dennis worked for six months in Texas. Texas does not withhold state income taxes. Last year came around, we prepared and filed taxes for us, owed both federal and state, and paid. Done. Then in August, we received a tax bill from Colorado. I sent it to our tax advisor. He said he didn’t actually owe it, and that he would take care of it. He did not. It turns out that Colorado wants your taxes even if you work in a state that does not want your taxes. Anyway, I was so confident that our CPA knew what he was doing, that I didn’t tell Dennis about it, because I didn’t want him to stress over it. Once I actually called the state of Colorado myself to find out that, yes, we do in fact owe Colorado an extra $600, I let him in on what was going on.
That’s just one example, and after the fact, Dennis was fine with my decision to be less than transparent because I handle the finances and he trusts me. But in hindsight, it’s probably something we should have agreed upon in advance. I’m not sure how one would present it, but perhaps by agreeing that, as long as you trust each other, there will be times that you keep things from each other until afterwards. It must come from a place of mutual trust and respect versus dishonesty. And certainly, if any of us were hurt, I would tell him immediately, because I would want to know immediately.
There you have it! 3 Basic tips we've mastered, and 1...
Four common yet obvious pieces of advice for anyone considering or already in a long distance relationship. And honestly, they should be foundations for any relationship. Three tips we’ve mastered, and some day soon, I’ll be able to include communication tips we’ve mastered.
We are curious, have you encountered any issues with these? Mastered any of them? Can you think of any other basic advice to give to someone in an LDR or LDF? We’d love to add more to our “Tips We’ve Mastered” list! Leave a reply below or contact us using the form.
