Acclimating our kids to our Long Distance Family
During my husband’s initial out-of-town assignment, the boys were six and eight years old. They were about to become children of a long distance family for the first time. At first, we didn’t notice much of a change in the kids. Dennis was close enough that he was home every weekend, and our weeks stayed busy enough with school and activities, that there wasn’t too much of a disruption in their lives.
It was during his second out-of-town assignment that we started to notice changes in our youngest son, Ben. He was very sensitive and extremely introverted, but loved being silly and goofy around close family or his one or two close friends. Jack was two years older, and our stoic but more extroverted child who kept a gaggle of friends, but his feelings were bottled up (and still are).
Ben knew from the time he could talk that he could get easily overstimulated, and knew when to remove himself from a situation for “alone time.” But something was causing him to be more withdrawn. He was having a lot more alone time than usual. He was also experiencing meltdowns a little more frequently than usual, which meant his was getting overwhelmed more than normal.
It took us a while to realize that Dennis being away, even if it was only during the week, was contributing to these behavior changes. I think it was because the changes were mostly him being more withdrawn than usual. It was only in hindsight that we noticed more meltdowns. We were started to see effects of our long distance family on, at least one of the kids.
Ben couldn’t really understand, and certainly couldn’t express why he felt this way. He was only six! And we may have been a little bit in denial at the time. I’m sure our behavior changed as well. I was working and handling everything at home in my limited time each weeknight. We were probably extra stressed on the weekends to fit in our activities, plus family time, plus the housework and laundry from the week, all while knowing Dennis had to leave at any minute.
But then came the first relocation...
As many young children believe, our boys thought their first hometown (in our case, St. Louis) would be their home for life. They were born there, their rooms with all the toys were there, their extended family members were close by. They were fully immersed in elementary school, but knew which middle school and high school they would attend and with which friends. My oldest even wanted attend college at Mizzou!
When Dennis and I sat them down to tell them about our move to Kentucky, we were terrified for them. We weren’t sure how they would feel or react. We braced ourselves for the worst. However, we had already been discussing the possibility of a move with them for a while. They knew that moving there would be good for their dad’s career and would also put us back under the same roof, even if there was a possibility that it would only be temporary. (Spoiler alert: It was!) So they didn’t take the news as badly as we expected.This was the move where we also promised a dog, which helped ease the pain.
For about the next two years, we were all under the same roof again. Then Dennis was assigned to a project in Colorado, that had him working out of town again for about a year. The company flew him home once a month, though he could only stay for the weekend without using vacation time.
This time, the boys were a bit older at 9 and 11, and didn’t seem to be as negatively affected as Ben had the first time. They stayed busy with school, sports, the new dog and their friends. Both sets of grandparents visited us a few times. All of this kept us pretty busy.
But now that I’m getting a chance to reflect on this time, I’m wondering if they really were fine? So I’ve decided to ask them!
My Q&A With the Boys
Ben (13): I don’t remember the first time.
Ben (13): I feel like I cared more about moving to Kentucky than I cared about moving to Colorado. I don’t think I felt too strongly about it then, but if we moved now I would.
Ben (13): I don’t think so. I remember visiting him in the cool apartment in Colorado.
Ben (13): I kinda remember Skyping him, but I think nostalgia took away the bad feelings and left me with only good memories, and like he was there with us all the time.
Ben (13): After he leaves, it makes me sad and I miss him, but after a few days it gets better.
If I have any advice to give to other parents to children of a long distance family, it would be:
1. Talk to Them openly and honestly
Start early and let them know what is going on. You’re unhappy with your job? Explain that to them at a level they can understand. They don’t want the people they trust most in the world to be unhappy about anything!
The job market is dwindling in the area? Tell them! Once it is time for you to be apart from them, you want them to understand why. You don’t want there to be any doubt that this change in the family dynamic is for any reason other than the family’s best interest.
I’d only caution you not to bring it up too often, because you certainly don’t want that to be all that’s on their mind. They may start worrying for you.
Just make sure they understand that you’re still a strong, happy family, and that the long distance situation is what’s best for the family as a whole.
2. how will they get to talk to you when you're gone?
Make sure they also know how and how often they’ll get to talk to you. There are so many ways to stay in touch. Obviously phone calls work, but also:
- Text
- Facebook Messenger
- Facetime/Video Calls
- Skype
- Even Ring Doorbell, if that’s something you have! If you haven’t seen the adorable video of the young boy who calls his dad using the doorbell, take an extra two minutes out of your day. It’s worth it!
Don’t worry if they prefer texting to calling. Let them keep in touch the way they want to. My kids HATE to talk on the phone. It could be that they are boys, it could be a generational thing, but it’s THEIR thing. Sometimes we’ll call Dennis when the boys are trapped in the car with me and have nowhere to go. This gives Dennis a captive audience and he can catch up with us all at once.
3. How often and how will they see you?
Set the expectation for how often they’ll get to see you. And don’t overpromise! Give them the worst case scenario. If it will be more frequent than you tell them, what a great surprise that will be! But if it’s often longer than what you’ve promised, think about how disappointed they’ll be.
Give them a calendar or an app where they can see for themselves how many days it will be. Kids love a countdown to something fun! And the easier it is for your children of a long distance family to see and understand, the fewer times they’ll need to ask you!
And how will they see you? Will you drive? Meet halfway? Fly? Kids will LOVE going to the airport to pick you up! Make a big deal out of it! Let them make fun signs to surprise you with at the airport.
4. Stick to their schedule
You already know that kids thrive when they stick to a schedule. This is especially important for children of a long distance family. If their night schedule is already dinner, homework, baths, reading time, bed time, keep it that way. Don’t change their routine more than it has to. If time zones allow, maybe the away spouse can read to them via phone or video. Whatever helps keep their lives as close to they’re used to as possible.
What if they want to sleep with you?
This is a tough one. Our youngest still slept with us, so of course he slept with me once my husband was gone. Not all of my friends understood this even before my husband started working out of town, and that’s okay. But it made both of us happier. It just meant my husband and I had to get creative when he was home.
What if your kids normally sleep in their own beds, and suddenly want to sleep with you now that dad’s gone? Honestly, I can’t answer this for another family. Do what you’re comfortable with, and just know that there are no wrong answers.
5. Build a local support system
You likely already have one, but start thinking about who can help the home spouse if something comes up while you’re away. For example, the emergency contact for school or after school activities. Make sure the kids know who their trusted adults are that they are able to accept rides from in case of emergency. In our case, it also means having someone nearby who knows how to tie a tie in a hurry when my son decided last minute that he wanted to go to prom.
Get this support system in place before you actually need it to save yourselves from extra stress.
6. Expect behavior changes during visits
Your kids will most likely be super hyped to see you during visits. That excitement may very well carry through the entire visit. We learned that sometimes, it doesn’t.
In Ben’s case, he still needs that alone time. In fact, he sometimes needs more. He’s no longr used to always having two parents in the house, and especially one who wants to spend every minute he can with his kids who he doesn’t get to see as much as he would like.
Realizing and understanding this helps us compromise: Dennis understands that Ben can get easily overwhelmed when too much attention is placed on him, and doesn’t take it personally when he needs to be alone. Likewise, Ben knows when to remove himself from the situation when he starts to feel anxious. And since we’ve discussed it and are all on the same page, Ben doesn’t allow himself to feel guilty about leaving to hide in his room like he did in the beginning before we all understood what was happening.
While on the subject of behavioral changes, did you know that changes in the household can also affect your pets? I sure didn’t! When Georgie started nervously shaking during odd times of the day, I asked the vet about it. His first question was, “Have there been any changes in the home?” Why, yes. Yes, there have. Luckily, his anxiety didn’t last long, and we got through it with extra exercise and attention.
7. When you have to say goodbye
Leaving is the hardest on children of a long distance family, as well as both parents, so we try to make it fun. As long as it’s not a red-eye flight, the kids go with me to drop off Dennis at the airport, and we’ll usually grab something fun to eat after, or swing by Starbucks to lift everyone’s spirits. Then, we look for his texts that he made it through security, made it to his gate, made it to his seat. So it’s like we’re there with him.
The sadness carries over into the first few days and that’s when we usually ask ourselves if living long distance is really worth it. Even Dennis, this is the time he starts looking for jobs closer to home, but then quickly realizes he’s in the best position for him at this time. Then we start to plan our next visit, and the sadness wanes, and we’re back in our routine until we can see each other again.
Do you have children in a long distance family? What obstacles have you encountered? Leave us a reply below or contact us through the form.
Ohhh getting sad now.Still Happy everything is working out.