5 Benefits of Living Long Distance
Yes, there are benefits of living in a long distance relationship (LDR) or family (LDF), like us.
I never thought I’d have anything in common with Gwyneth Paltrow, but here we are! In a recent interview with London’s Sunday Times, Gwyneth shared that she and new husband, Brad Falchuk don’t live together full time. Just like Dennis and me! Well, okay it’s not exactly like us. Also, I don’t read the London Times. I tried to, but the subscription is $5 a month. But the summary is free on People.com! And People is more my speed anyway.
Apparently, Gwyneth and Brad only live together four nights a week, and then retreat to their own homes for the remainder of the week.
Embed from Getty Images
Aren't they the cutest?
They both have homes in the Los Angeles area. Not 1600 miles apart, like us. They each have children at home from a previous marriage. I think this is a brilliant idea. The Brady Bunch method of putting everyone under the same roof is not for everyone. In that scenario, someone has to leave their childhood home, possibly their friends and school. But not the Paltrow (Or, I guess Martin?) or Falchuk kids! But this isn’t exactly like us, either.
We live apart while still in our first (and hopefully last!) marriage with our two bio kids. Another similarity though: Gwyneth’s intimacy coach says this provides polarity in the marriage, and that’s exactly what MY intimacy coach says! Nah, just kidding. What exactly IS an intimacy coach, anyway? Come to think of it, what the heck is marriage polarity?
The point of this is, even beautiful, famous, trendsetting Gwyneth Paltrow refuses to pattern her family after society’s standards. She, and the people whose salaries she pays, see the benefit of keeping a bit of your individuality while doing what’s best for your family. Even when others think it’s weird.
Coincidentally, this week’s blog is about the benefits of living long distance. I won’t argue that there probably are more cons than pros, but I’m a glass half full kind of gal. We can focus on the negatives later.
Benefits
Our main focus with each decision to live apart or relocate as a family has always been the kids. Yes, first and foremost, traveling for work was always an idea of ours, but how can we make it work for our family of four? Especially once we have to live apart: How do the kids benefit from him working out of town?
They see their dad happy at his job. They see him continue to learn, grow, and constantly look for opportunities to improve himself. He’s weighing options and taking risks that will help both him and the family either immediately or in the near future. This becomes normal for them, and when they’re out in the world, they realize they can live anywhere. Work anywhere. They won’t be afraid to travel. We can already see it in them. When I was growing up, I knew I wanted to go to college, but never thought outside of Missouri. These kids now think outside the US. And I love that about them!
They don’t see him as a dad who would rather work away from home than spend time with them. They see it as a dad who never stops learning (he earned a degree in Data Analytics in his 40s!) and growing (he either knows his next steps or is looking for them) and doing what’s best for his family, even if it’s not mainstream.
Each decision is different
There have been times we’ve relocated, and times we’ve lived apart
Kansas City? No need to move, he was home in St. Louis each weekend. Kentucky? It was a new work experience for him, so we lived apart until he knew if it was a good fit for him and the family, and this family relocation enabled me to quit work so I’d be home with the kids during this first important transition. Colorado was supposed to be temporary, but turned into full-time. And how could we pass up moving to Colorado? Texas was temporary, and now DC is back to being apart full-time. But we all want Colorado to be home at least until the kids are out of school.
Obviously I had some benefits of living long distance in mind before sitting down to write this post. But I wanted to ask them. Not only for the purposes of the blog, but to check in again to see how everyone feels about our long distance situation.
I started with Dennis.
1. Job Benefits
Dennis, the out-of-Town husband
I benefit with each job reassignment: Financially, through gained experience, and exposure within the company. Just the fact that I’m willing to work out of town helps me advance at the company as well. I also like how we get to see more of the country. And I’m excited for Ben’s opportunity to take his first solo flight to visit me, where we’ll have some quality one-on-one time.
2. Travel
Jack, 16
"The pay is better, and he’s traveling more. Sometimes we get to travel with him which is good, too."
3. Independence
Ben, 13
"We’re getting used to being more independent, and doing things around the house that Dad would normally do. When I asked for examples he said helping around the house like with dishes and stuff."
(At first, Ben started to say the pay is better, then that we get to travel more, but I asked him to think of something else, since Dad and Jack already said those.)
I have to add something that Ben has told me on more than one occasion. When he brings up our long distance family situation to his friends at school, they can’t get over the fact that a) his parents are still married and have never been married to anyone else before and b) his parents are already in their 40s! They couldn’t care less about us living apart! I wasn’t expecting that kind of reaction but everyone’s idea of “normal” is relative to what they know, I guess.
More Thoughts on Travel
I’m glad we all agree that travel is a primary benefit. Early on, Dennis and I made a commitment to travel for vacation at least once a year. Over the past three years, we’ve travelled several times for taekwondo training and tournaments. But when we visit Dennis out of town, we really get to immerse ourselves into experiencing the area. For example, even a weeklong vacation in Washington, DC is not long enough to see all that there is to offer. Because we know we’ll be back, we can plan a few things each visit. Not only have we seen the museums and monuments on the National Mall (off-season!), but we’ve also explored:
Things to See That aren't DC
- Annapolis, Maryland. We took pictures of Maryland State House and toured the US Naval Academy. Took a water taxi to the Boatyard Bar & Grill (a fave of the locals) for the most amazing seafood. Ate the most delicious breakfast and asked about the bagels hanging from the ceiling at Chick & Ruth’s Deli. Got the best view of the Chesapeake Bay Bridge from Sandy Point State Park.
- Assateague National Park where wild horses freely roam the island.
- Mount Vernon. The plantation of George and Martha Washington along the beautiful Potomac River. Seemingly unchanged since the 1700s.
- We took a road trip up to Niagara Falls along the Susquehanna River during the fall. Breathtaking colors! Since we had our passports with us, we were able to see the falls from the US side and Canadian side.
Things around DC that we still want to do
Jack visited Arlington National Cemetery on a school trip, but the rest of us still want to go. We still want to work our way up the coast through Boston and Bar Harbor. And down the coast from Virginia Beach to Savannah. And Beaufort, SC. I lost a very dear family member last year whose favorite city (second to mine in Colorado) was Beaufort. She wanted me to take me there so she could show me all the things she loved about it. I may no longer have her as my guide, but I still plan to visit and see it through her eyes.
More on Independence
Not only are the kids becoming more independent, but I am, too. So far, I’ve learned to grill outside using our charcoal Weber Kettle, change the air conditioner filter, and activate the sprinkler system. That last one was a doozy because I had to access the sprinkler valves and have Dennis talk me through what to do over the phone. But that made it an even bigger accomplishment!
Also, since our Colorado winters can be unkind, I’ve gotten better at shoveling snow and ensuring the cars have plenty of washer fluid before leaving the house. Both things I didn’t have to think about when Dennis was home full time.
Dennis and the boys gave me very insightful answers that I find difficult to add to. But I am able to think of a big one:
4. Distance makes the heart grow fonder
It’s cliche, but so true! When we are able to spend time together, we prioritize quality time together over everything else. I can’t say that about times we’ve lived under the same roof. Everyone would be off in their separate corners of the house doing their own thing. Now, we watch movies together. We sit and talk. Or we’ll go places together: Hikes, mountain drives, school events, and even taekwondo practice.
I remember Dennis talking to a co-worker once, whose father worked for the same company. Growing up, he lived a similar life as we do. And he loved it! He told Dennis his fondest memories were from all of them visiting or living in a tiny apartment, because that’s when they had the most quality family time. There weren’t too many places to retreat to, so they were forced to spend together.
When the boys and I visit Dennis in DC in his apartment, that’s exactly how we feel. Then we go out and explore and it’s like we’re on vacation. All of us, including Dennis who lives and works there!
I hope that they are able to look back on their unusual (to some) childhood and speak just as fondly as Dennis’s co-worker. And if not, they’ll at least have plenty of interesting stories.
Only giving you four benefits of living long distance felt incomplete to me. I needed there to be at least a fifth. Dennis and the boys covered everything I could think of. But I asked Dennis if he had any others. He did, but was reluctant to share. He then said, “If you really need a fifth, I’ll give you a fifth.”
5. "If you really need a fifth, I'll give you a fifth"
Then he told me another benefit of living long distance that I didn’t even realize he was keeping inside. He told me how it makes him happy for the boys to see me, the woman, as the one running the house. That it doesn’t always have to be the man, nor does it have to be the one who works. And that, folks, is about as far away from the nuclear family of the 1950s as you can get.
Now, I’m sure you’re still wondering what the heck an intimacy coach and marriage polarity are. Me too, so I Googled them.
Intimacy Coach & Marriage Polarity
According to my quick Google search, it appears that an intimacy coach helps couples improve their romance by giving them a safe space to open up about their needs, desires, hangups, etc. Basically giving them more confidence in the bedroom. Okay, if you’ve got some issues in the bedroom that a licensed, board-certified therapist can’t help with, and probably lots of disposable income, an intimacy coach may be what you need.
I was a little surprised to find out what marriage polarity means. It’s when the man keeps the traditional masculine role in the relationship and the woman, the traditional feminine role. Apparently, it becomes an issue if the traditional roles start to blur and the man isn’t clearly the one in charge, the fixer and protector of the poor, helpless woman who should be protected by her man! So pretty much the opposite of many of the things I’ve listed, including my favorite one, #5 from Dennis.
Just to make my stance clear...
I think that marriage polarity is new-age hooey to which I do not subscribe. (Or old-age? From the times boys would “court” girls and the father would eventually “hand them over” to their new man? Ick.) Anyway, if I DID have an intimacy coach, I’d fire that person if an idea like that came from them.
My goal is to BACK the idea that the Cleaver family from TV is the ideal nuclear family. Reclaiming the outdated nonsense that was the nuclear family of the 1950s that really wasn’t even typical in the 1950s!
Having the confidence to be yourself should be more appealing to your partner than a woman trying to make herself less masculine or the man less feminine. He likes to cook? Let him! She can change the oil? Perfect! My husband loves show tunes. And guess what, I freaking love that about him! We watch and sing along together. We’ve sung show tunes to our boys since they were in the womb. When they were still small enough to be carried, we’d swing the boys around singing “Who will buuyyyy this wonderful baby…” (From Oliver! for those wondering.”) So you can imagine my pride when I walked in on Ben one day, singing to the dog, “Who will buuyyyy this wonderful Georgie?”
I'm clearly no Gwyneth after all
So folks, be the person who makes you the most confident. And be WITH the person who makes you confident. And everything else will fall into place.
Do you have additional benefits of living long distance or being in a long distance relationship? Leave a reply below or contact us using the form.
Comment 1: I’m not altogether sure having things in common with Gwyneth is a positive thing. 🙂
Comment 2:
Q: You know why there aren’t any dirty airplanes in Oklahoma?…
A: Because the wind comes sweeping off the planes.
DOH!
(sorry, most showtune-related-jokes are groaners)
Comment 3: Keep up the good work, exbosslady, great blog!
1. I realized that, too, once I found out what an intimacy coach and marriage polarity really are.
2. Love it! That’s more than I could come up with
3. Thanks, I will try! 🙂
still loving the stories keep them coming.When is Ben making his solo trip?
I sing to Coops all the time, not show tunes, but I hope he starts singing to Sprout.
It surprises me that Gwyneth would want polarity in her marriage. I suppose Craig and I have more than you and Dennis, but he will do laundry, cook, clean, etc, because I hate doing all those chores! I’m no June Cleaver! Lol